Hairball! transcript
(Georgina opens up her pantry) Georgina: Time to make my favorite mid-afternoon snack. (Georgina grabs some items and goes to her counter.) Georgina: Roll, chips, shredded cheddar, malt vinegar. Oh, almost forgot the most important ingredient. Sour cream. (Georgina picks up her food.) Georgina: Americans just don't know what they're missing. (intro plays) (in Ms. Chapley's class.) Alison: So guys- Victor: Shhh, don't you hear it? Alison: Hm? Victor: That's the sound of Chapstick not being here. Zoe: About time. Sally: Freedom at least! Other Zoe: Like the Wicked Witch of the East Coast. Amy: Absolutely. What a meanie. Meg: I wouldn't get too excited. Mary: Faithless, aren't we? Julie: Let's just be real, and be grateful that Ms. Chapley isn't here! (everyone cheers) Julie: Hold it! Let's just make it blissful. (everyone's silent) Phoebe: Ah, bliss. Ms. Chapley: Good morning class! (the students groan) Ms. Chapley: I would've been here sooner, but I made a stop at our local pet store. Katy: Wasn't that burned down? Ms. Chapley: Yes. But it turns out that one of the animals wasn't, you know. (Ms. Chapley places a cage containing a hamster on her desk.) Ms. Chapley: For the sake of keeping things lively around here, I decided to get a class pet. I call it something. Tina: What is it? Ms. Chapley: That's the name, something. I don't know if it's a boy or a girl, don't want to find out, and that way it's something you all could remember. Jill: Aw, something's so cute. Milo: Finally, a sensible pet. Clifford: Finally, some common ground. Ms. Chapley: My work here is done. You're all here until the bell, I need to go crash a conference call. (Ms. Chapley leaves and the students go around the cage.) Tommy: What is it about hamsters that's so endearing? Marie: I've yet to see a hamster that was anything but appealing to the eye. Sparky: It's a psychological trick. The tinier the specimen the more appealing it is to the perspective of the onlooker. Brighton: Basically small equals cute. Tiberius: It takes a man to be above cute things, it takes more of a man to enjoy cute things. Angela: Who wants to be the first to properly introduce themself? Francis: Allow me. And I know of a good way to do it. (Francis goes close and whispers something to the hamster.) Bernadette: What did you do? Francis: I told it a secret. Bernadette: Is it about us? Francis: No, it's one of my own dark secrets. I trust the hamster to keep my secret. I'm establishing a sense of personal trust and security. Bernadette: Oh I get it now. That's not a bad idea. Jupiter: Oh! Me next me next! I've been waiting to tell someone mine! (Jupiter goes to and tells her secret to the hamster.) Jupiter: Guys, go tell something your secrets. I feel cleansed. Phoebe: I want to go last, I have enough to fill a five-hundred page biopic. Selma: Dibs! (the students tell their secrets.) Phoebe: Man, that was... something. Emily: The name is starting to really mean something. Julie: I think we should pick a new name. Ashley: Why? It's perfect. Fiona: But the therapeutic side to it is even better. Colleen: Alison, you're up. Alison: Oh I dunno, I'm kinda ashamed to even think about it. Colleen: Don't worry, hamsters can't talk, let alone get out of their cage. If it could it would've gone out and told the world my secrets. Sam: Besides we've seen the worst of you, what do you have to hide at this point? Alison: Well you got me there. I'll tell something- (the bell rings) Alison: Tomorrow. (the kids leave. Suzy is still present in the room and approaches the hamster.)